What's the Deal?

Do you have the anxiety feeling that you are dreading facing something or someone? Its the feeling that I got when I knew I had to take the report card home to my dad. Its the feeling I got when I knew I was about to break off a relationship, or when I knew I was about to get broke up with. Its the feeling you get when you know you are about to be yell at, or your going to have to face someone you've hurt. It is almost like a dull stomach ache and head ache that radiates through your body. You feel sick, you not the type where you actually get sick. It just lingers in the background so that you know its there. Do you get that feeling?

I've had it for 3 days now, and for the first time in my long history with this feeling, I have no idea why. I can't think of a single thing in my life that I am dreading or that I'm upset or hurt about. Yet strangely, that feeling never seems to be far from the surface. I truly consider myself to be happy with almost all aspects of my life, yet it is there waiting for me to get still and start thinking or trying to sleep and then it consumes me. It strange because I have spent a great deal of time with this particular aspect of my emotional life and I have even found ways to cope with it, but I can't shake it if I can't figure out why it is hanging around me.

Is it possible that I'm dreading life in general? I don't think thats the case, but I'm almost out of reasons why I'm feeling this way. I know that in the next year or two I am going to undergo some major changes in life that are going to shake every part of me. Some are exciting and some are horrifying. Is this some type of preemptive depression that my mind wants to go ahead and get started with? Can you build up a credit on depression phases? Can I go ahead and have one so that when something horrible in life happens I'm able to say, "Wait, I did a voluntary depression a couple months ago. I'd rather not go through one right now". Who knows.

I was around great people tonight. We had a celebration of the birth of Franklin Slaton. I thoroughly enjoyed my time listening and watching what might be the most diverse group of people ever to be assembled in my presence. It was humorous to watch the interaction and the total comfort Franklin has in the midst of this social hodge podge. There were camp people, theater people, college students, 40 somethings, friends of friends people, 30 somethings, 20 somethings, conservatives, liberals, heterosexuals, homosexuals, wealthy, poor, environmentalists, and those who drive over sized trucks because we can. I realized about halfway through that the group assembled in that place was what made Franklin who he is. He is someone that masterfully flows from one group to another allowing each of them to leave their mark on who he is, and he makes no apology for his love for any of these different groups. Franklin is truly good people. I think Jesus would have been impressed with tonight's gathering. I think that moments like tonight are what he had in mind. Which is ironic since some of the people in this gathering couldn't have cared less what Jesus would think.