Angry at God

Death never seems to raise its head at opportune times. In fact, it seems to always come at the moment you least expect it. It seems that whenever I have prepared myself for death or for someone to go it never happens. Death and sickness have surrounded me much of the day.

Montana was in my youth group when I was a Youth Director at Coaling UMC in college. I married her and her husband Brian a couple years ago. It was one of the most unique weddings I have done. It was in the pasture of their farm with a huge backdrop of hay bails, saddles, and other riding instruments. She was brought to the ceremony in a horse drawn wagon. It is a great memory and they worked hard to make the wedding special and a true representation of who they are. Bryan, the groom was a typical guy who just wanted to get the wedding over and have it be as close to what his fiancée wanted as possible. He didn’t seem to care about any of it, he just wanted to be married. I never got to know him anywhere near as well as I know Montana, but I’ve liked him more and more each time I have been around him.

This morning I got a call that Montana and Bryan’s trailer caught on fire last night and he was killed before they could get him out. Montana and their 15 month old daughter Gracie were staying at his mothers. I went over there this evening to see montana and I dreaded going the whole way there. I simply don’t have the words to console or help a 22 year old widow with a 15 month old child.

I did a lot of listening rather than talking. One thing I heard over and over from her was that she is mad. She is angry that this happened and she is angry at the position she is in. To be honest, I’m angry too. Montana is a good kid that has tried hard since I have known her to get ahead. She dated some real idiots in high school and she had truly found what she wanted in Bryan and was happy with their family. I don’t blame her for being mad about it being gone. I’m mad it got taken away.

Any theologians that are in my readership can check your degrees at the door. I don’t care what you think, but sometimes it is healthy to just get pissed off at what God has allowed to happen in our lives. Sometimes things happen and the only honest response we have is anger. I rest comfortably in the fact that God loves me enough to handle my anger and rage in moments when it seems like I’m getting the short end of the stick. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust how God is working, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is there, but if we are honest we have all had moments when we looked to the sky and said, “This sucks. Make it stop.” The Psalms are full of David and others telling God that they weren’t too thrilled about the ways he was reveling himself in their lives.

After leaving Montana’s I thought about it and I’ve come to the realization that I’m pretty mad at God these days as well. My Uncle John Cole is without a doubt one of the finest men that has ever walked this planet. He has been a power and an influence in my life in ways that I still don’t fully understand. He gave me my first job in his law office, taught me how to drive, and helped me figure out a lot about who I was in ways other people couldn’t have done. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease many years ago and for the last 15 years I have watched him slowly deteriorate, and to be honest about it, I’m mad. No one lived the Gospel of Christ in everyday ways like he did. I learned how to interact with the homeless and with addicts by riding around Birmingham and sitting in courtrooms with them as he represented them. Most of the time, he represented the for nothing, or for some service he let them perform more for their benefit than any other.

He is in the hospital in Birmingham and this week standing at the foot of the bed and seeing him in that condition makes me want to look to the sky and say to God in a very real way, “This sucks, and you need to find a better way to get things done than this”. If thats unfaithful, then mark me down as a sinner, but its true. I know that one day I’ll get it. One day I’ll see how God has worked through this, but I can’t see it today, and thats what makes this journey so hard.

New Friends, New Experiences

I am guilty of getting in ruts and getting in routines and not branching out. If I’m not careful I can look up and every week looks the same. Same work, same lunch in the same restaurant. Same Friday night, same weekend plans, everything.

Tonight I broke the mold on Friday nights and I’m glad that I did. This has been a really long week. Nothing bad or exciting has happened, it just has been long, and I really needed to shake things up a bit. High School Football started tonight, but I had absolutely not interest in going. I usually really enjoy it, but I didn’t want to have to deal with it all tonight, so I simply didn’t go.

Rather, I spent time tonight with a group of people that are as different from me as you can be. It was wonderful. Billy Weems is thePastor at Gordo UMC and he invited me over for a get together of pastors and friends to eat dinner and just hang out. It became clear after getting there that I was WAY out of the typical age range. The median age for the group is late 40s/ early 50’s. Most of them have grown children and grandchildren, and one has a newborn. You would think that this would be incredibly uncomfortable, and there was a moment when I thought that it would be, but it wasn’t at all. Despite the different places that we have come from and despite all of the very apparent differences it was a wonderful evening. Everyone laughed and cut up about work, life, stories from the past, and things that are going on in our lives.

I learned tonight that Billy Weems goes all out when cooking a hamburger. I learned that Roger Short is always good for a one liner when the opportunity presents itself. Penny Ford is simply hysterical and a wonderful mother. Nancy and Steve Cole have a wealth of life experiences and stories that would take months to tell. There were several others, but those stand out in my mind this late.

I think that there are times when we look at groups of people and decide that we can or can not fit in with those people simply because of predetermined lines that we draw in our own lives. I was reminded tonight that sometimes simply relaxing and getting to know people will help you meet and enjoy wonderful people that you would have missed out on.

I’m glad to have laid the foundation for new friendships and I’m excited about the things that I can learn from the group of people that I met tonight.

Friends and Fingernails

What an incredible weekend! I got back last night from a Chrysalis weekend that was incredible! I have a couple of groups of friends that stand apart from all the others. What makes these different is that I can go months without seeing them, but as soon as we come together we pick up right where we left off. The people this week are some of the most loving and uplifting people that I have ever come across. My friend David Hodges said it well when he noticed that our group is made up of die hard Republicans and Democrats, Methodists and Baptists, young and old, and even Alabama and Auburn fans. But all that stuff seems to fade away because of Jesus. I'm a better person for just knowing them.

I've had something on my mind for a while that I need to discuss with the world.... What is the deal with fingernails? This is an area I need to read on and know more about. I never look at my finger nails and think, "In the next couple days I need to cut my fingernails". Its like one night they grow 6 inches and you get somewhere and realize how embarrassing your fingers look. Does anyone else have this problem? I looked at my hand on Saturday and I couldn't believe it. It was like they came out of nowhere. I spent the rest of the day with my hands in my pockets. The more I type about this, the more I feel like its probably just me going through this.

I feel like there are several other things that I need to comment on or bring up, but I'll leave those for later on in the week. I've fallen behind on updating, but I'm making a renewed commitment today.